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Finding Peace in the Midst of Sorrow
by Gayle Dunlap-Kowalski
grief/self help/loss of spouse/photography
This book was produced in the United States of America using traditional, high quality offset printing technique. It has a UV coated cover designed to protect its 208 total pages, including 206 quality, full color, gloss photos. Sold in 8 ½”x 11” paperback format.
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“I Don’t Want To!”
Losing someone tends to give a person a “don’t give a shit” attitude. I have found this to be true across all boards, old and young. In each situation it shows itself in different forms. In some it cultivates itself as alcohol and drug use. Some it comes in the form of isolation, not wanting to be around friends or family. Some it tends to show itself as a death wish, meaning doing something that could ultimately end in death; driving under the influence, taking unnecessary risks or even one deciding that they would never allow themselves joy again. In one way or another they hang onto that grief and sadness until they alone are ready to let go of it. For some it comes quickly, some a little longer and some may never let go of their grief.
The older woman that I had met at the book signing, the one I had talked of in the last post, had shared something with me. She had shared with me that her family wanted her to do things with them; go places, attend parties, etc. They wanted her to go out and enjoy herself. “I don’t want to!” she had exclaimed to me. “I just want to be left alone!” She is not ready to go out and enjoy herself again. She, and ONLY she, will be the one to decide when it is time for her to let go a little and learn to live life again, in a joyful manner. It’s hard to make that decision. At times, when you let go to have a good time, guilt sets in and you feel terrible. “How could I have fun when my husband (wife, brother, sister, mom, dad, child…) is gone?”
What you have to remember is that other person would want you to be happy. They would not want you to be sad forever. It’s ok and completely normal for you to be sad, but there is a time that you have to let go some and just “honor” their memory. Let yourself be thankful for the time that you were given with that particular person, and let go of the anger for that person being taken from you.
We all know that life is a temporary situation. We know that each and every one of us will ultimately leave this world, we just don’t know when. After we remember that and come to terms with it we can let our loss change us for the good. We can in turn be that person that celebrates every day that we are allowed to spend with those we have left, whether it is our family, friends or maybe even a pet. We can be that person that enjoys every sunset, every kitten, every waterfall and every smile and stops to smell each and every rose! -Gayle Dunlap-Kowalski
Hurry Up and Get Over it!!!
Well…I was at a book signing the other day (which I might add, went very well. I got a great response from some amazing folks who just needed some compassion and a little encouragement after suffering some terrible losses) and was having a very heartfelt talk with an older lady. She had lost her husband of about 50 years, a little over a year ago. She talked with me at length of how her family wanted her to “hurry up” and “get over it” – meaning the death of her husband!
It’d been a little over a year and all the literature that I’ve ever read generally states that most people start to get back to normal about a year out. I imagine their thoughts were “It’s been a year! Surely she should be over it by now!” They probably aren’t really as heartless as I’ve implied, but when you’re in the middle of such a painful situation and someone tries to hurry you up in your healing process, that’s exactly the way that they sound to you.
I actually had someone very close to me ask me that exact same question once. “You aren’t over it yet?” I didn’t know how to respond! My response today would be “No, and I never will be!” I will feel better and I will be able to move on, but I will never “be over it!” I lost my other half – meaning there is a part of me that is now missing. I will never have it back. There is some peace in thinking of the afterlife and thinking of seeing him again, but until then there is an enormous hole that can’t be filled.
Relationships take time to cultivate and I had 21 years invested in mine. Every year I loved and understood my husband more. Don’t get me wrong, we weren’t perfect. We had our share of fights. I just knew at that point that after any argument things would be fine. New ones aren’t like that. In a new relationship any disagreement could lead to an end. When you’ve been in a long term relationship you realize you’re in it for the long haul and know that a little bickering isn’t going to end it. That’s where we were. I can’t imagine how that woman must’ve felt. She had more than twice as many years invested than even I had.
I know there are others out there that feel like people should hurry up and move on. My advice to them and to this woman’s family would be:
Don’t rush her. Let her decide how long is long enough to mourn the death of her best friend!
Don’t judge her for her anger, bitterness, the crazy things she does or the nasty words that spurt from her mouth. Let her experience all of her emotions. She will learn to overcome those. Remember you can’t know how you’d react if you were in her shoes.
Be there for her when she needs you, but don’t crowd her. There will be times when she needs someone to lean on and there will be times when she can’t stand having others around.
Expect her to have good days and bad days. Some days she may be exceptionally happy and other days you may think she’s gone off the deep end. Give her time and there will tend to be more good ones than bad.
Understand that each person will experience grief differently and at a different pace. Some get rid of their loved ones things right away while others may hang onto them forever. Some want to talk about the loss all the time while others can’t speak of it for quite some time. Some people find peace doing activities that they did previously with their loved ones, while others may never do those things again.
Just let her be herself. She probably doesn’t know who that is right now. She only knows who she was when that other half of herself was still there. As time goes on she will slide into the role of who she is now and just know that it won’t be the same person as she was before, but she will figure it out.
In conclusion – don’t rush her – give her time to grieve.
-Gayle Dunlap-Kowalski
Poignant and compelling
A poignant and compelling story of one woman’s journey through grief and sorrow. Gayle’s narrative is raw and uncensored, making this one of the most authentic books available about how to deal with grief and the many emotions that accompany it.
I laughed and cried, and couldn’t put it down.
–Alicia McDonald
Deeply moved…
I was deeply moved by Gayle’s desire to help people get a clear understanding of how to live life with “Courage” and “Joy” daily, or when you feel, “there is no way you can possibly go on.”
Inspiring…. Healing….. Full of Guidance….
The photos taken by Gayle are a very powerful visual for sharing her message.
This is a book you will feel compelled to read again and again as it is full of wisdom and encouragement, which we can all use every day of our lives.
It is truly life changing!”
-Lonnette Moore
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